Humorously Speaking Project 1

Humorously Speaking

Project 1 – Warm up your audience


  • Prepare a speech that opens with a humorous story.
  • Personalize the story.
  • Deliver the story smoothly and effectively.



Title: The (On-Going) Adventures of a Motorcycling Noob.

Opening joke:

  • Setup – Imagine, if you will, it’s a cold, wet, miserable morning and I’ve got school. I don’t want to go, but my mum makes me get up. It’s my first day and she wants me to make a good impression. (Pause)
  • Punchline – After all, I am the Principal. (Pause)

Introduction (honorifics)

  • Setup – What’s a Noob, I hear you ask?   A Noob is short for someone who is new to something and therefore is allowed to make mistakes. Like me, with Motorcycling. Before 2013, I’d never attempted to get a motorcycle license. (Pause)
  • Punchline – After hearing these next 3 stories, you as fellow Auckland commuters, may wish I’d never started! (Pause)


  1. Teaching Tane to Ride
    1. Setup – At around the same time as I was learning to ride for the first time, my oldest son was also ready to learn.   So we went out to a local car park and I did the IDEER principle: Introduction, Demonstration, Explanation, Execution & Repetition. Except, we didn’t get to the Repetition phase. I had just asked him to mount the bike for the first time and ride forward 10 meters, and stop, which he did perfectly. Unfortunately, it didn’t occur to him that he needed to put his foot down.
    2. Punchline – The bike promptly fell over and smashed both mirrors.
    3. Recovery – We were done with lessons for that day.
  2. Pulling my first wheelie
    1. Setup – Most recently, and most alarmingly, I was waiting at the lights, at the head of the queue. (You know how motorbikes can just slide up the middle to the front? That’s me.) The lights went green and I started out, but my front wheel started to do a sort of shimmy. I thought I was going to fall off. I just managed to right myself and get the rest of the way home. I thought that maybe I hadn’t maintained my bike properly. Maybe some cable had come loose. So I got out the manual for the first time (as you do) to try to figure it out. However, the first pages told me exactly what I’d done wrong.
    2. Punchline – Turns out, I’d pulled my first wheelie!
  3. Motorway accident
    1. Setup – Just prior to that, I had had a serious accident on the motorway. It happened like this: I was burning up the road, just north of Manukau, when a family of ducks were in mortal danger. I had to swerve to avoid hitting them. My front wheel slipped on the extremely greasy surface, and I went down, in front of an on-coming truck. Somehow, the truck managed to stop in time, but I was already bouncing up, after having gouged out huge chunks of the motorway, and was somersaulting over the ducks (remember them?). The bike slid into the car in front (narrowing avoiding the ducks), which had to stop to render assistance (the car, not the ducks, silly. Do try to keep up.). My forward trajectory was finally arrested (in standard hero pose), and I calmly gathered up my fallen steed and wheeled it to the side of the road, forcing all 3 lanes to stop for me. The guy in the car who stopped (who actually had pulled out in front of me) was this little Chinese kiwi man, who was so shaken up, he asked me for a hug!
    2. Punchline – so I gave him one!
    3. Setup – 10 minutes later, an ambulance arrived. They asked me if I required assistance. You know, adrenaline does an amazing thing to a man’s body. I shrugged my shoulders and told them I was fine to go to work. They didn’t quite believe me, but toddled off, leaving some advice to get myself to A&E if “anything changes”. 10 minutes after that, the police arrived. They took our statements, then after about half an hour, let us go. The Chinese man was so worried about me, that he offered to drive me to work.
    4. Punchline – So I let him!
    5. Setup – I got to work, in time for a special morning tea (my real motivation for going). During that time, the adrenaline started to wear off, and I didn’t feel quite right. So I toddled off to A&E for an X-ray.
    6. Punchline – The truth is I had broken my arm in two places.
    7. Setup – I was in a cast for six weeks! I had to recount my story to my boss (in order to explain why I needed time off work).
    8. Punchline – His retelling of my story was so much better that I prefer his version to my more mundane one!


  • Setup – I’ve come to the conclusion that as a motorcycling noob, I’ve made a significant and sufficient number of mistakes:
    • Forgetting to teach Tane to put his foot down;
    • Forgetting to read the manual; and
    • Avoiding ducks on the motorway.
  • Punchline – That I may well be, the safest motorcyclist on the road today!


Discipleship, Part 1

Sunday Service

  • 21 August 2016
  • Pastor Arnie Hall
  • Discipleship: “Go and make disciples” – Jesus


  • I’m too busy…
  • We have to get on the property market right now!
  • We have little ones…
  • My health isn’t great…
  • My kids have got sports that day…
  • Work is just so busy…
  • I’m tired!
  • It’s the Holy Spirit’s job.
  • I’m studying at the moment.
  • As soon as my business is sorted…
  • When my kids are older…
  • I don’t have the skills…

Following Jesus competes with so many things…

  • The voice “of the world” is so loud!
  • The world will demand loudly your time and your attention.

His Voice isn’t the loudest that we hear, but it is the best.

  • It does call us to sacrifice.
  • But He calls us to our best opportunities.



This week:

  • Monday:
    • Just another day in paradise.
    • Commuting because I was meant to pickup Hamish from St John cadets, but he didn’t attend this week. So, I got to attend my Overeaters Anonymous group in Drury instead. Timely. Very good. Gotta work on my Abstinence Plan.
  • Tuesday:
    • Oscars practice. Fiona at Alpha Course (assisting). Pickup Aimee from South Auckland Middle School at 7pm (because she was helping with its Open Day for new entrants).
    • Engaging User Experience people in creating new configuration screens for Managed Voice – Voice Connect service under My Spark Digital platform.
  • Wednesday
    • Public Wi-Fi Intranet app: worked out that I needed to convert the input data model into an output data model in order to make the MVC (Model View Controller) pattern work properly.
    • Product Provisioning Tracker app: worked out that I needed to create a SQL Server change script to renumber our Step ID’s for the new Voice product in a big-bang approach. Must update the tables and stored procedures at the same moment.
  • Thursday
    • Worked from home. This allowed me to pick up Aimée from South Auckland Middle School at 4:30pm, after her Krav Maga self-defence class.
    • “Gutsy and Good” men’s course, lesson #4: Shame and guilt. A great explanation of the difference between guilt (good) and shame (bad).
  • Friday
    • Final rehearsal with the guys at lunchtime at Hyland Associates at 300 Queen Street.
    • I failed to connect with J.T. this week at work in order to offer to start to make amends for my poor performance earlier. However, she approached me for a work-related resource, so I was able to respond most positively.
  • Saturday
    • MCBC Toastmasters Club Humorous Speech competition. I got second place.
    • Oscar’s (Talent Show) Night at MCBC. I was in group JCG2. We sung “Eye of the Lion” with complicated choreography. We got second place in People’s Choice award.
  • Sunday
    • Setting up Aimée’s student discount on Spark free public Wi-Fi.
    • Finally had a good weekend, so was able to mow the lawns for the first time in ages.  Despite this being Sunday, it is not my normal “work”, so I feel the Lord would approve.  Although, a stone did flick up and poke me in the eye.  I have a red eye now.  But, all the equipment worked properly for the first time in a very long time, so I was on a roll and managed to finish the job properly.


Characteristics Believers Should Exhibit

Sunday Service

  • 14 August 2016
  • Pastor Arnie Hall
  • Simple: A study through Colossians

Paul & Silas

  • Characteristics of these two
  • The Book of Acts
  • They were imprisoned but choose to praise God.


  • Was severely under trail.
  • Chose to continue to bless God.

King David

  • Committed adultery and murder
  • The child of this union became sick
  • David cried out to the Lord for the child.
  • The child died.
  • David chose to worship the Lord
  • His advisors were amazed.
  • A characteristic of a follower of Jesus is how they handle death.

Characteristics of a follower of Jesus

  • A different strength, priority.

Colossians 2:4

  • I am telling you this so that no one will deceive you with well-crafted arguments.
  • For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in spirit and delight to see how disciplined you are and how firm your faith in Christ is.
  • So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.
  • See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the elemental spiritual forces of this world rather than on Christ.

Characteristics we should exhibit

  • Thankfulness – despite the circumstances
  • Rejoice
  • Living – Christ living in me
  • Strength – no matter what
  • Growth – adversity never stops growth, it encourages it.
  • Building – our foundation is: we decide to follow Jesus. God builds on that foundation.
  • Overflow – The acceptance we receive from God should overflow to others.
  • Victory – Greater than present circumstances. Get the right perspective.
  • Complete – We are made complete in Jesus. Nothing else is needed.
  • Raised – Sin had no power over David. There were consequences, but we are raised to life over them.
  • New Life – Changes circumstances. An eternal perspective.
  • Power – We have a power to live beyond our circumstances. We get to live in that power.
  • Freedom – Set free from regret. Free to choose to remain faithful.
  • Alive – We should have life to us.

Often we want God to take away the tough stuff.

  • Instead, God diminishes the size of the tough stuff, when we focus on Him.

We get to choose to live out these characteristics.

  • Change our perspective.
  • See things from God’s perspective.



This week:

  • Monday:
    • Day one of Tane’s big adventure. Praise God for Facebook. Observing his trip in real-time in Dubai.
  • Tuesday:
    • Final appointment with orthopaedic specialist. My arm is healing completely normally.
    • Must attend team meeting. Feedback from our Staff Survey. Needs work.
  • Wednesday
    • I was a judge at Manukau Toastmasters (not to be confused with MCBC Toastmasters, which is my own club). It was a very interesting experience.
    • Meeting with Microsoft. Inching closer to shutting down our old DEV environment.
  • Thursday
    • Tane leaves Dubai for England.
    • While I was leading my small group at Men’s Ministry, Hamish and Fiona were attending Philippines Missions Trip team meeting.
  • Friday
    • Final physio appointment at Handworks. My strength in my left arm is back up to 80%.
    • Date night. Watched Jason Bourne. Episodic and formulaic. Dinner at Republic afterwards. Nice pork ribs.
  • Saturday
    • Vex Robotics scrimmage with Hamish at Lynnfield College.
    • Wrote my Humorous Speech Competition entry.
    • I had to replace Elliot as Chair at this week’s Toastmasters Club meeting. Numbers were down, but we kept the energy up.
  • Sunday
    • Sound check for our Oscars item.


Ministry Made Simple

Sunday Service

  • 7 August 2016
  • Pastor Arnie Hall
  • Simple: A study through Colossians

Simplicity Brings Clarity

  • Ministry Made Simple

Colossians 1:24

  • I am glad when I suffer for you in my body, for I am participating in the sufferings of Christ that continue for his body, the church. God has given me the responsibility of serving his church by proclaiming his entire message to you. This message was kept secret for centuries and generations past, but now it has been revealed to God’s people. For God wanted them to know that the riches and glory of Christ are for you Gentiles, too. And this is the secret: Christ lives in you. This gives you assurance of sharing his glory.
  • So we tell others about Christ, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all the wisdom God has given us. We want to present them to God, perfect in their relationship to Christ. That’s why I work and struggle so hard, depending on Christ’s mighty power that works within me.
  • I want you to know how much I have agonized for you and for the church at Laodicea, and for many other believers who have never met me personally. I want them to be encouraged and knit together by strong ties of love. I want them to have complete confidence that they understand God’s mysterious plan, which is Christ himself. In him lie hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.

Luke 10:2

  • The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few.

Col 2:2

  • That they may be encouraged in heart and united in love…
  • So that they may have the full riches of complete understanding…
  • In order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ…
  • In whom are hidden all treasures of wisdom and knowledge.


  • The message is simple: God is perfect and I am not. Therefore I need God.
  • The method is simple: Tell my story.
  • The motivation is simple: So that they may inherit what I have already received.



This week:

  • Monday:
    • Trying to get Visual Studio Team Services accepted as enterprise change management tool, in addition to Sprint management tool.
    • Missed 7:30pm train to pick up Hamish from Manurewa St John Cadets at 8pm. He had to organise his own ride home. Silly me. Got engrossed in coding an Entity Framework data access layer to a database, for an API service layer call, to a new web site I’m creating (4 layers) just so we can have an Intranet portal to a protected database.
  • Tuesday:
    • Service Pack 20 went into production tonight. An incremental change. Completed Copper access type. Started (but did not enable) Voice product type.
    • Went to hear Sy Rodgers preach at our church about healing from abuse. He’s awesome. Realised that the last time I heard him preach live was at Wellington Elim; coincidentally on the occasion of Tane’s baby dedication, 19 years earlier.
  • Wednesday
    • Took bike in for 1000 km first service.
    • A night at home, interrupted by a dance rehearsal for Oscar night (August 20th) talent show item.
  • Thursday
    • Again, work from home. Again, another project heartbeat meeting. Again, justifying why some things made the latest service pack release and some other things are still pending.
    • 2nd night leading at Man To Man church small group. We went over time, as all the men were really into sharing. It was fabulous.
  • Friday
    • A frustrating day attempting to superimpose the Style Framework over top of my new web site. Will have to back out and start again on Monday.
    • Gave myself a scare on the ride home. First, my gas light was flashing all the way on the motorway. Second, after I filled up and took off from the lights, my wheel did something really strange and wobbly. I nearly fell off. It wasn’t until I read the Manual later that night that I realised I nearly pulled my first wheelie. Not an experience I particularly want to repeat any time soon (especially with my wrist still only at 50% strength).
  • Saturday
    • Had an excellent meeting with my Ngati Kuia representative, talking about my tribal links. He was doing the rounds, and graciously agreed to meet me at my church before my Toastmasters meeting. Toastmasters was fun as usual. We decided we were each other’s “Kith” (not Kin).
    • Rushed home to be with my family for special farewell meal with Tane and Jess before they take off for their 3 week European holiday (with her mum and aunty). It’s a slightly awkward but nevertheless hugely fantastic opportunity for an OE. Many stories were told.
  • Sunday
    • Hamish had earned some money during the holidays, and this week purchased a rather expensive gaming chair. It arrived to my office on Friday. We drove in today to go get it. We brought it home and assembled it together. It’s a Monster. (Actually it’s a Gorilla Gaming Chair.) Hamish drove all the way and even managed a parallel park. His skills are growing.
    • Aimee’s latest school report had an error in one subject (a clerical error). This has now been cleared up and it appears she may be getting an Excellence. I’ve very proud of her.


The Supremacy of the Son of God

Sunday Service

  • 31 July 2016
  • Pastor Arnie Hall
  • Simple: A study through Colossians

Colossians 1:15 – 20

  • The supremacy of the Son of God
  • The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.


  • Jesus is the visible image of the invisible God
  • He existed before… (everything in the physical realm)
  • He is supreme over all
  • Through him God created everything
  • He made things seen
  • He made things unseen
  • Everything created through him
  • Everything created for him
  • He existed before anything
  • He holds everything together
  • He is the head of the church
  • He is the beginning
  • He is supreme over all who rise from the dead
  • He is first in everything
  • God reconciles everything through Him
  • He makes peace with everything
  • Through Christs blood on the cross


  • Jesus is the visible image of the invisible God.

Galatians 2:20

  • I have been crucified with Christ.
  • It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.



This week:

  • Monday:
    • The problem with our car was quickly fixed. The key had broken and the transponder had fallen out. That was all. Found the transponder in the car. Fixed the key. Sorted.
    • Picked up Hamish from St John Cadets. Hamish driving lesson.
  • Tuesday:
    • Discussions commenced at Spark to move our DevOps team onto Microsoft Azure. Super excited by this. Can finally retire our existing, creaking Dev environment.
    • Fiona helping at Alpha Course. Very proud of my wife’s desire to develop her Christian ministry.
  • Wednesday
    • Prayer meeting at lunchtime at work with Spark Wellington.
    • Attended Israel Emphasis night at church with speaker David Silver.
  • Thursday
    • Worked from home. Audio conference for project Heartbeat meeting. Shared screen successfully and spoke through current Sprint progress. I sound and feel like a real Agile Sprint Master.
    • Co-lead a small group breakout at our Man-to-Man course at church. Quite successful. Around 40 men turned up for this first night.
  • Friday
    • Second physio appointment from my arm. Strength is up from 1/3 to ½ power.
    • Loving my new bike. Filled tank from petrol station for first time. Takes 98 octane. Costs $28 for a full tank.
  • Saturday
    • I was the Toastmaster of the meeting, meaning I get to organise the various roles. I managed to get everybody up at least once. There were 15 members, 2 mentors, 2 visitors & 9 apologies + 1 absence = 29 people. We are certainly a vibrant, growing club.
    • Straight afterwards, I attended the Over 40s dinner at our church. A fun night of networking.
  • Sunday
    • Every Sunday is a TED talk with inspirational material from our pastors.
    • Got rehearsal for our church Oscar’s talent night coming up next month.


God’s will, made simple

Sunday Service

  • 24 July 2016
  • Pastor Ian Vale
  • Simple: A study through Colossians

Colossians: God’s will made simple:

  • From your beliefs flow actions
  • Simple Theology results in simple choices.

Last week:

  • Prayer: is dialogue with God.
  • Love: do good to the household of faith
  • Hope: living the life of the Age to Come
  • Truth: Christ is the only way to salvation
  • Faith: following Him in simple 6trust

Faith simply is…

  • You must continue to believe this truth, established and firm, and do not move from the hope held out in the gospel.
  • Colossians 1:23

What is the meaning of “believe”?

  • Putting your trust in Christ.
  • I walk by faith… each step by faith.


This week:

  • Monday:
    • Took possession of my new Hyosung GT 650 (cherry red). It’s a dream.
    • Attended Overeaters Anonymous. Getting back on track with my abstinence from compulsive eating behaviours.
  • Tuesday:
    • Deployed Service Pack 19 to production.
    • Deployed Copper service capability on our new Product Provisioning Tracker. Merely awaiting data feed in order to enable this new service.
  • Wednesday
    • Conducted my first Sprint Planning meeting. Was very well received.
    • Commenced service pack 20 sprint.
  • Thursday
    • Worked from home. Tane borrowed the bike. (It is LAMS approved.)
    • Toastmasters Executive Team meeting. Made many useful and necessary decisions.
  • Friday
    • Took Aimée to my work for the last day of school holidays. This was a very old promise that was never actioned previously. She spent the day chasing Pokemon. We had Friday drinks together. It was excellent.
    • Tony Wilson invited me to Star Trek: Beyond movie. It was excellent.
  • Saturday
    • Toastmasters District Club Leadership Training in the morning at Papatoetoe Cosmopolitan Club. My first time as President. It was useful.
    • MCBC Toastmasters club meeting. I thought it went really well. The Area Director (who shall remain nameless) had some recommendations to make, but didn’t couch it in CRC, didn’t listen when proven to be wrong, so I am choosing to ignore them.
    • Fiona invited me to Ghostbusters movie. It was better than I originally anticipated.
  • Sunday
    • Fall-out from yesterday’s TM meeting continues. I have some damage to control. This is not what TM is about. I believe this to be a spiritual attack against the Spirit of our club. We are different and growing and vibrant. I guess some people don’t like that.
    • Barry Shaw is leaving for missions. This will force a re-election for his dual offices of VP Membership and Treasurer.
    • Fiona and I on communion.
    • Our new (second-hand car) refused to start this morning. Got it towed by AA to Mitsubishi Motors Manukau.


A study through Colossians

Sunday Service

  • 17 July 2016
  • Pastor Garey Clark
  • Simple: A study through Colossians

The epistle (letter) to the Colossians (believers in Colossae)

  • A meeting place of cultures
  • Blending religions
  • Paul’s concern is the sufficiency and primacy of Christ

The biggies of theology (the study of God)

  1. Prayer
    1. God as Father (Daddy)
      1. Not stern and critical
      2. Loves you and cares for you
        1. Listen for a response
    2. God wants the best for us
    3. God knows what’s best for us
    4. God’s power to accomplish this.
  1. Faith in Christ Jesus
    1. At the CENTRE of it all
      1. Christians in Rome were not executed for their worship of Christ, but because they refused to also worship Caesar.
  2. Love for all of God’s people
  3. Hope for what is reserved in heaven
  4. Truth of the gospel
    1. Jesus is the Way
    2. Jesus is the Truth
    3. Jesus is the Life
      1. The simplicity of the gospel
      2. No-one comes to the father, except through Him



This week:

  • Got my cast off after 6 weeks. I can type freely again now. Had an accident on my bike on the motorway on Tuesday, 1 June. Cracked my left radius (forearm) in two places: at my wrist and elbow. Wrote off my bike.
  • Test drove a 650cc Hyosung, brand new from the dealer, yesterday (Saturday). Bought it. Will pick it up tomorrow (Monday).
  • Completed my 10th Competent Communicator speech at Toastmasters last Saturday.
  • Just gave a promo for our TM club here at church from the front. What a privilege. A point of difference of our club is that speeches of a Christian nature are not discouraged (evangelism). However, the club is open to the community, so the audience is mixed.

Setting the record straight.


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 722 other followers